Uncategorized

Unstable and depressed

Unstable

I painted a picture this week. Well I didn’t paint it all but I did finish it.

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There is still something satisfying about creating art. I highly recommend it. It’s one of the few things you can do despite feeling really, really ill. Art is something that can be done in small steps. 20 minutes here and 30 minutes there. You can have a cup of tea, listen to an audio book and still create.

I called my picture “Unstable”.  First of all there is the play on words, Horse – stable, horses live in stables and I finished the painting. Anyway I’m sure you get the drift.

Secondly it sums up my state of mind. I have screamed quite a lot, all internally of course, nothing the neighbours would be looking over the fence at. I may have rocked forwards and backwards if my back would allow me to move forwards and backwards. Hell why not scream about that too.

Depressed

Externally, I have been fairly quiet this week. In fact the week has gone so fast, mainly because nothing has registered. My mind is blank, in-between sudden mind screams. There have been some good achievements in the past few days. But they seem so long ago, as if nothing has happened. I finished my picture, booked a holiday, got 2 students through their driving tests and joined the local observatory. So why does everything seem so flat?

Thats one of the problems with depression the minor issues seem so huge and the huge things seem like nothing. I made my wife cry, not a full on sob, but a tear in the corner of her eye. I know I’m awful and feel so bad. It wasn’t a major thing that caused it, just me being a git and not letting go of a little thing. I didn’t shout, threaten or abuse, but I wouldn’t stop. In my head I kept saying to myself “this is nothing, stop, let it go”. Then I opened my mouth and made another comment. In the end it was just too many straws and the camels back broke.

So now I need to rethink how I deal with stress. My wife is the most wonderful person in the world and I would be lost without her. I can’t let my own stupid inability to let issues drop be the cause of another problem.

In hiding

I have almost gone into hiding. I am more than happy to be with my family and avoid all other contact. Is it just me or can other people feel the depression dragging your body down? I can feel the sinking feeling running down through my body.

Over the past month I have been taking it easy, I have struggled so much with my health. I am so frail at the moment, my lungs sound like a broken pair of bellows and flu is everywhere. To say I am concerned has been an understatement. Im not sure how I would cope with flu when I can’t breath on a good day. So I have taken to wearing my shemagh.

A shemagh is great. It effectively means you can keep out the cold, avoid bugs and hide at the same time. I don’t go full desert combat mode but rather I wrap it round my face and neck. You can tie it at the front so it doesn’t slip. A great excuse not to move it when greeting someone.

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Confused

There it is, a week of high’s that didn’t register; irrelevant lows that got out of hand; numbness interspersed with manic mind screams; and an over riding fear of flu giving me cause to hide behind my shemagh.

It’s not just you that has these issues we are all a little confused. Have a good week,

Steve

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Categories: Uncategorized

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